You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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