I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
