I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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