Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
