I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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