mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
