I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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