i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.