No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
