I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
