Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
