It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
