ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
