I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She needs sedatives and a leash
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
