at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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