walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
