Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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