you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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