Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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