...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
