My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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