ya dads aren't the best wingmen
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
