there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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