I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
