I accidentally burped into my bong.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
