I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
