If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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