No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Let's paint friendship bongs
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
