So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
