i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
