you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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