apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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