I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
