you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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