Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
