Betty ford says i'm here all night
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
