Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
