1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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