Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
