I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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