Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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