I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
