I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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