It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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