I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
