apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
