you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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