i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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