I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
