matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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