I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
