Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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