I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
