he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
