Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
