Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
