FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
