never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
