i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
