My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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