Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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